Now Hiring: Senior Meeting Participant

Because every meeting needs a hero who says, “Let’s circle back.”

• Experience: Minimum 10 years of sitting in meetings without falling asleep.
• Skills:
  • Fluent in buzzwords: “synergy,” “alignment,” and “low-hanging fruit.”
  • Ability to look deeply engaged while thinking about lunch.
  • Advanced multitasking: listening, nodding, and doodling simultaneously.
• Education: MBA preferred, but a PhD in Pretending to Take Notes is acceptable.

Are you passionate about sitting in rooms (physical or virtual) and nodding thoughtfully? Do you thrive in environments where the coffee is lukewarm and the agenda is optional? As our Senior Meeting Participant, you’ll bring unparalleled expertise in attending, surviving, and occasionally contributing to meetings that could have been emails.

Your core mission:

• Gracefully mute and unmute yourself at least 12 times per hour.
• Deliver strategic phrases like “Let’s take this offline” and “Great point!” with confidence.
• Maintain eye contact with your webcam while secretly checking emails.

• Competitive salary (paid per meeting attended, regardless of outcome).
• Unlimited access to coffee that tastes like ambition.
• A cutting-edge calendar filled with back-to-back meetings for maximum job security.
• Opportunities for growth: Junior Meeting Participant → Senior Meeting Participant → Chief Meeting Officer.
• Priority Access to the Mute Button – because silence is golden.
• Free Stress Ball for Every Meeting – collect them all!
• Complimentary “Thinking Face” Training – master the art of looking deep in thought.
• Annual Buzzword Refill Pack – never run out of “synergy” or “touch base.”
• VIP Breakout Room Access – escape the main meeting like a pro.
• Noise-Canceling Headphones for Ignoring Irrelevant Discussions – productivity guaranteed.
• Company-Sponsored Therapy for Post-Meeting Trauma – because some meetings hurt.
• Exclusive Badge: “Could Have Been an Email” Survivor – wear it with pride.